Thanks
November 23rd, 2007 by amylherzog
A wonderful blogger recently prompted me to think about what I believe in–what rules I try to live by. If she’d posted such a query two years ago, I would have shared the following:
Life is good.
Be happy now.
Let it go.
I still like this, but it just doesn’t quite ring true for me at the moment. Life is always, clearly, better than the alternative. And we have a lot of control over how we react to whatever life is throwing at us. And of course, in the scheme of existence on this planet, middle-class white American is pretty goddamn far up there.
Still, after some thinking, I decided that right now, here’s how I want to live my life.
Happiness is one of our only true choices in life.
Regret is a waste of time.
The point of my life is to leave this world a better place than it was when I found it.
I don’t typically struggle with the second and third statements, there. It’s generally easy for me to learn from my mistakes and move on. I genuinely enjoy being nice to people and doing the right thing. But sometimes, particularly out here, particularly lately, it’s really tough for me to choose happiness. To look at the past few months and see anything other than enormous loss.
And let’s be honest–there has been enormous loss. Over the past four months, I have lost a baby, two grandparents, an aunt, and the illusion that we can afford for me to raise our kids full-time. I am 3,000 miles away from my entire support structure at a time when I badly, badly need it. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t bitter about this, and my only goal yesterday was to get through the day.
But it’s also true that I have much, much more than these losses.
I have a wonderful husband who is a partner in all aspects of my life. Who loves me, respects me, challenges me, and cares for me. I have the most fantastic kid in the universe, who makes my heart swell with pride and love every single day.
Even if they’re far away, I do have family and friends who love me and want to help. I recognize, finally, what a mistake I’ve been making by letting all of the bad overshadow that powerful good. So the question is, how quickly can I let it go? How quickly can I accept this mistake, learn from it, and move on to a happier existence?
I don’t know. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
How do you choose happiness when times are rough?
I use a denial-repression combo: I drop everything and get in a steamy-to-the-point-of-demanding-attention bathtub and soak. Here’s why it has to be so damned hot – otherwise I just brood in there. If it’s hot enough, I have to focus on breathing, cooling my limbs alternately, and, once the water cools enough, enjoying the bliss of truly relaxed muscles. I also try to exercise because it releases endorphines, and have a glass or two of red wine because I’m a happy drunk and can’t sulk with a good buzz on. Then, when life is sunnier, I can face the darker parts of my situation one at a time. With bath and booze before each new issue, of course.
One thing that has helped me is to keep a gratitude journal. When I am having trouble focusing on the good things in my life, at the end of each day I list 3 things I was grateful for that day. Some days it’s a stretch to find 3. Other days it isn’t. I find it helps focus on looking for the good in situations. Please remember that feeling down on occasion is normal. But don’t be afraid to seek help if the blues just won’t quit. Hang in there! There is always a light at the end of the tunnel-even if it’s too dark to see it now, it is there!
One of the things I do when I am down is think of the joy your very being brings me. You and Jon and Jacob are simply FUN PEOPLE–it comes naturally (from my perspective). You see the humor in life without losing the serious parts. I feel blessed that I have you in my life.
I look back at my life when I was your age and remember how much work it was and admire the way you shoulder “things”. Hang on to the fact there is nothing you can not work out, nothing you can not live through and nothing that you, all together, will not be stronger and better for when the cloud passes. And the cloud will pass as you deal with it. Your stage of life IS hard. Know it, accept it and go for it! (And made worse by the passing of so many loved ones. That is so unfair!)
We love you very much and my only gift to you is my belief in you, my belief that you are all made of the right stuff and as life changes, so do the dreams, but never the love… Please feel our love and admiration. We could not be prouder of you than we are right now to see how you are handling a very difficult time.
Allow yourself to feel bad for a few minutes on a day that you need to, then look at how truly rich your lives are. I know,I know,I’m getting close to preaching. Sorry.
I am reminded of soemthing Katharine said on a down, demanding day, “Yes, this is hard, but we have a pretty darn good life. Start focusing on that!” I am, of course, paraphrasing.
The quality of your life is directly related to the quality of your thoughts. And…sometimes if those blues just don’t go away, seriously consider medication. I helps me… Meds and positive focus that’s not a bad combination! :-)
Love, Bev
My job made me move away from my entire support structure (or join the legions of unemployed Bay Area tech geeks). My boyfriend was severely depressed and unemployed and dependent. I was very, very alone, and in a new job that didn’t have any time for me. I spent the first few months waiting for somebody to notice me and give me some work to do.
There was a perk to moving. We rented a house, and I got a dog, which I’d been dreaming of since I left college.
And for a year after that move, everytime anybody asked me how I was, I’d say, “I have a dog!” I couldn’t afford my life, with the money I spent to distract Kevin from his depression, and the rent I was paying on the house so I could have a dog, and the uninsured dental bills, but I had her and I loved her and when I hated my life and the choices I’d made and the days and nights when worry gnawed my soul in two, I’d think about my dog.
And no, that didn’t make the bad time anything like good.
But in general, I suppose my personal guideline is ‘enjoy other peoples’ joy when my own is scarce’.
In a strange reflection, more than once I’ve found myself thinking, “I have a baby! (and two dogs)” I think it’s in response to a much sharper, more occasional despair (for which I still blame hormones).
I think that was also the point in time that I wrote the phrase ‘hope is the first magic’ (though not inspired by myself). Hope that the world (and one’s life) will someday be different is what keeps you going, crawling through each day to the next, and by keeping going, day to day, and being aware of opportunities, things do eventually become different. It’s magic!
My thoughts on hope are a lot more complicated these days, but I still think it’s a good thing to remind myself of when I need to find the motivation to keep on going.